Fantasy: A Path to Satisfaction
Sexual fantasies are a normal part of the human experience. In fact, 97% of Americans admit to having sexual fantasies frequently. If you fantasize about group sex, BDSM, new and novel scenarios, taboo behavior or fetishes, non-monogamy, passion, romance, gender-bending, or homoeroticism, congrats! – You’re like most people, since these are chronologically the top seven fantasies in America 1.
Yet, despite the frequency of these fantasies, the reality is that most of us don’t act on them in real life. Why not? And more importantly, how can we bring these fantasies out of our minds and into our beds to enhance our satisfaction?
Lloyd Alexander once said, “Fantasy is hardly an escape from reality. It’s a way of understanding it”.
Fantasy provides a safe and private space for exploration, self-discovery, and personal growth. Okay, sometimes we use it as an escape, but it can also be a powerful tool to better understand who we are.
Fantastic Courage
I talk to folks about sex every day. One of the most common sources of stress is feeling sexually stuck and not knowing how to move out of that space.
Start with your fantasies.
They are a place where ANYTHING can happen. They can be mild to wild. You are in control. Fantasies allow you to develop an intimacy with your erotic self and help bestow a sense of ownership over and connection with your desires. However, fear of judgment, guilt, or shame can often prevent us from indulging in these fantasies. Many of us, due to influences from family, school, dating, community, culture, etc., have come to believe that our fantasies are somehow dirty or weird.
To overcome this, we have to nurture the courage to believe that our right to satisfaction is valid and give ourselves permission to dare; against culture, against shame, against anyone or anything that doesn’t believe in our right to power and pleasure. Daring greatly, as Brene Brown would say, is having the courage in the face of fear, shame, and rejection to choose pleasure, delight, and joy instead.
Make It Real
Research shows that 80% of adults have a fantasy they want to act out, but only 20% have actually done so. That’s a big gap. Additionally, only 50% of adults say they’ve mentioned their fantasies to a partner. Overcoming the fear of judgment, rejection, guilt, or shame is imperative to move past being stuck and realizing your fantasies. Imagination is fun, but the real magic and power comes when you start living your fantasies2.
Finding a sex-positive community can be an important step towards building this safety and confidence. If you don’t feel this is available in your life, you’re fantasies, desires, fetishes, kinks, etc… are welcome here. Personally, this was crucial to my own expressive development, and it’s hard for me to imagine a way forward without supportive space holders in my life.
Sex Scientist
Research shows that uncertainty about how our fantasies will be received holds us back from sharing them. However, a study on sharing fantasies revealed that the vast majority of participants who acted out their fantasies said that the end results either met or exceeded their expectations (86%). Furthermore, 91% reported a neutral to positive impact on their relationships3.
If sharing your fantasies intimidates you, I hope this is encouraging information. If you want to share a fantasy with an intimate partner, imagine an outcome that brings you closer together and creates more intimacy in your relationship. This simple mindset shift could greatly affect the experience of turning your fantasies into reality with delicious outcomes. If you’re ready to share your fantasies with your partner, start by asking them about theirs first to get the conversation ball rolling. Listen from a place of vulnerability and empathy. Take you’re time. When its you’re turn to share, start with gentle fantasies, or maybe mention a delight from the past like, “remember that one time when we…that was fun, we should do it again”.
In the event that a fantasy doesn’t unfold as you imagined, don’t let disappointment or awkwardness discourage you. Inside your head, you are the artist in complete control, but in reality, things might be different. Put your curious, sex scientist hat on and experiment. Practice, communication, and learning are all part of the process, and hell, what could be more worth the effort?
Less Shame, More Love
Einstein once said, “Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.”
Fantasy is not just normal and powerful but an essential part of self-actualization and fulfillment. By bringing fantasies out of our minds and into reality, we can overcome the stagnation we’re experiencing in our erotic lives and pave the way toward satisfaction and wholeness. By owning our power around our wants and desires, we help others do the same. Through this loving support, we can create a culture with more acceptance and less shame, leading to more delicious fun for all.
- Lehmiller, Justin J. TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT : The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex… Life. S.L., Da Capo Press, 2020. ↩︎
- **I am not including fantasies that are non-consensual or harmful to others. It’s not unusual to have these fantasies, but it is never okay to act them out non-consensually. If you are afraid of harming yourself or others, please seek professional help. ↩︎
- Lehmiller, Justin J, 2020. ↩︎
The average person has up to 60,000 thoughts per day - 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive.
No wonder so many of us are exhausted or don’t have clarity because our minds are going non-stop… We can’t think with all that thinking, and we can’t change these thoughts by doing more thinking, yikes!
In this mindset class we learn why and how working with our internal narratives is the first step towards erotic self-care, plus do two quick exercises to start developing your mastery.
